Alone
by Olivia26
Summary: The separation of two affects the lives of many
1. One

TITLE: Alone

AUTHOR: Liv

RATING: PG

FEEDBACK: Please?

CLASSIFICATION: Olivia/Elliot friendship UST

SPOILERS: "Wrong is Right", "Wrath" and "Doubt"

DISTRUBUTION STATEMENT: If anyone is so inclined to post this anywhere, let me know about it first...I promise you'll get the green light...and I'll be flattered

DISCLAIMER: I don't own any of the characters on SVU, I'm only playing with them for the time being and will return them in one piece...I promise.

Thanks to Broem for beta-ing (and the title)!!

Things are different than they ever were before. Hell, that's probably the understatement of the year. Kathy's gone; the kids, gone; and Olivia, going. I don't know what's gotten into her lately and quite honestly, I don't have the energy to figure it out right now. I'm sure though, somehow, I'm to blame. My guilt seems to be the only constant in my life these days; of what I'm guilty, I'm still not sure. Being a crappy husband? I can buy that. A distant father? That's probably true too. Of not being there for my partner? Hell yes. And the thing that scares me the most is that I'm most upset about the last one.

I'm still not sure when everything changed between Olivia and I, but what I do know is that it was so gradual and _natural_ that neither one of us noticed it right away. It hit me like a ton of bricks all those years ago when her mother died. I was so frustrated that my partner was hurting and there was nothing I could do to stop her pain. There was no one to arrest or beat up; no score to settle. Just pain and suffering that no one could take away. I managed to chalk that up to my overwhelming need to save everyone I care about and let it go.

Those same feelings were dredged back up nearly a year later when Eric Plummer set his sights on her. The things we said to each other during that case are things that under any other circumstances, with any other person, would have erupted into a fist fight and reassignments. Because it was _her_, things were different. I let stuff slide that even my _wife_ wouldn't get away with. This time, I couldn't push my feelings aside as easily as before, but after a while, I managed not to think about it anymore.

Around that same time, Kathy became suspicious about my relationship with Olivia—even went so far as to accuse me of sleeping with her one night. The look I gave her would have frozen water in July. That was the first and only time she mentioned that idea. I was more upset that she thought so little of my partner than the fact that she had lost her trust in me. That realization scared the crap out of me. Just what the hell was I thinking here?

Years later, Kathy is gone and I'd expected Olivia to be there to help me through my own personal hell, but I managed to screw that up too. I pushed her away before I'd even told her about the divorce. Hell, _I_ didn't even tell her! That damn lawyer saw to that. Now, I'm more alone then I've been in the past twenty years and I don't know what do about it. I'll always love Kathy; she's the mother of my kids, but right now, my heart's pulling me in a direction I'm not sure I'm ready to go—into my partner's arms. Out of this whole mess, there is one thing that I'm sure of: Kathy's my past and Olivia's my future; that is, if she'll have me.


	2. Two

Alone Chapter 2

Disclaimer: They're not mine...damn.

A/N: Broem made me do it.

Everything has changed now and I'm not sure that how I feel about it. It all started two months ago; a little more aggression in the interrogation room, a shorter temper in general. I would have never guessed what the source of the change was and honestly, I wasn't even sure I'd heard Scarry right at first. Elliot separated? Never. His relationship with Kathy is—was—the only reason I'd still held onto the hope of ever getting married myself.

It all makes sense now: Cragen telling me not to go after Elliot a few times; his irrational mood swings; getting taken off the cult case. I'm supposed to be a friggin' detective and I totally missed the fact that my partner was hurting. How the hell could I have been so blind? Me of all people should have seen that there was something deeper going on than work. I guess on some level I knew, but I'd just assumed he'd come to me when he was ready to talk. Normally, I would have taken the time to beat it out of him, but something inside told me not to; to just let him be, that he'd come to me on his own. God, was I wrong.

It's been over a week since I _accidentally_ found out about his separation and we still haven't had a much needed heart-to-heart. I don't want to push him, but I'm afraid if I don't soon, he'll never spill it and he'll get sloppy on the job.

The one thing that makes absolutely no sense to me is why he pushed me away. He used to _come_ to me with his problems, not _hide_ them from me. Hell, I can even understand why Kathy would be jealous of our relationship: I know more about him then she does. I'm the one that knows that the cases involving kids are the worst for him—and not just any kids—the ones that remind him of his own children. I know that he misses his kids from the moment he walks out the door in the morning to the moment he gets home and looks in on them sleeping. He asks me to go shopping for his wife's birthday and anniversary presents. We're so much more than partners which is what makes this all the more difficult.

He knows me completely and for some reason, I trust him implicitly with that knowledge. I know he'll never throw it in my face or use it against me. It's not even something I'd intended to happen; it's just the result of one too many missed dinners with the family and countless hours on stakeouts. Somewhere along the line, things changed and suddenly, Elliot knew me better than I know myself. He knows what's going to push me over the edge and he can keep me from tumbling over with just a look and sometimes, I hate him for it.

Elliot's the kind of guy that any woman would be lucky to have, but he's difficult to understand. He's driven and passionate about his work; that's what makes him a great cop and a lousy husband. Maybe that's why our personalities mesh so well together: we each know what makes the other tick and get out of the way when there's an explosion on the rise. We push each other's buttons with purpose and apologize for it afterward.

Now, for the first time in years, we're not on the same page and I'm wrapped up in a tailspin. He's two chapters ahead of me and I'm struggling to catch up. I'm tired of not knowing where I stand when it comes to my partner. I've had enough of wondering what the hell is going on. It's time to get some real answers out of him because if I don't know what's going on, I'm not really doing my job, am I? My partner is hurting and it's my responsibility to put a Band-Aid on it and kiss it and make it better.

That heart-to-heart I mentioned before? Way overdue. I want—hell, I _need_—my partner back, in whatever capacity he'll have me. If he won't make the move to talk to me, I will. He deserves that much from me; but not just because he's my partner, because he's my Elliot and he needs that from me.


	3. Three

Alone Chapter 3

Who knew that starting a conversation with someone you've known for the better part of a decade could be so difficult? I invited him over to my apartment with the sole intention of talking about what's been going on lately and that's proven to be a lot more challenging than it seems.

We've gotten all of the formalities out of the way—dinner, drinks and the obligatory conversation about his kids. Now all that's left is what we've come here to do: the discussion both of us have been dreading. Neither one of us wants to be the one to start it, but we both know that there are things that have to be said before our relationship gets really ugly.

Since he's suddenly found my gray carpet exceptionally interesting, it appears that I'm going to have to be the one to get the ball rolling. I swallow hard and tuck my feet up beneath me in my corner of the couch. I hesitate a few moments more than I intended before finally conjuring up the courage to speak. "Elliot, as much as I love spending time with you, you do realize that's not the only reason I invited you over tonight, right?"

He tears his eyes away from the carpeting and looks at me and nods. "Yeah, I was pretty sure that you had an agenda. Even though I'm not sure I'm ready to deal with it yet."

"Now's as good a time as any, El. You and I both know that we can't keep going the way we have been for the last few weeks. Neither one of us is happy and in our line of work, that translates into safety. And I'm certainly not going to be happy if I have to explain to your kids when you get hurt on the job."

"I know, Liv. We do have to talk about some things—hell, _everything_ that's happened lately. We need to get back to where we were before this whole mess started," he explained to me. I wondered briefly why he was bothering to tell me things I already knew; things that I'm pretty sure I've told him in the very recent past, but then I realized that I already knew. It's his way of gearing up to share what he really doesn't want to; that's something I've known for years.

"This isn't going to be an easy conversation by any stretch of the imagination, El, but I'm relieved that we both appreciate the necessity." I knew that it was now or never; I've never been good at telling anyone my feelings about _anything_, but if I didn't make an exception in this case, things might never change.

"I'm going to be perfectly honest with you, Elliot. When Scarry made her little 'announcement', I was shocked. The shock didn't last for very long, because the hurt settled in pretty quickly. I couldn't believe that I found out about something so important in my partner's, hell, my best friend's life from a loud-mouthed defense attorney. Then I found myself getting annoyed and confused by my feelings: did I even have the right to be hurt by this? Or should I just chalk it up to the right to keep your private life out of work?"

"Olivia, I never meant to hurt you—"

I held up my hand to stop him. "Please, let me finish before you say anything. If you stop me now, I may never get this out and I need to tell you all of this." He didn't say a word, just nodded slowly once and continued to look me in the eye.

"After our brief conversation in the hallway, you made it clear that you didn't want to talk to me about it. I thought that if I gave you some time to figure out what was going on with your situation, you'd eventually come to me and tell me what's going on. I realize now that was the complete wrong thing to do. You know how things went downhill from there.

"I need to apologize for a lot of the things I've said to you lately. You don't need me being a bitch to you with all that's happening. I'm sorry about the nasty comments I've made in the last few weeks; honestly, I don't know what's gotten into me. You know it's not my style to fight dirty, especially with you. I just need you to know that I'm here for you, in whatever capacity you need me, but I can't help you unless you let me."

When I looked into his eyes after I'd finally gotten everything off my chest, I was surprised to see tiny tears there. I knew he'd never let them fall, but somehow, just seeing them there made me feel even worse than before we'd started this thing.

"Liv," he started as he took my hand and held it between his. "You know that the last thing I'd ever do intentionally is hurt you. What happened between Kathy and me has been coming for a long time and even though I know that, it doesn't make dealing with it any easier."

"Really? I'd always thought you two had a good marriage. You've always seemed happy when I've seen the two of you together."

He sighed and started absentmindedly running his thumb along the top of my hand. "Yeah, well, we fooled a lot of people for a long time, including ourselves. There were a lot of things that contributed to this, one of which is my job."

"Elliot, you could cut back on your caseload; see a therapist. There must be something you haven't tried yet," I suggested.

He shook his head at all of my suggestions. "Liv, we've been to a marriage counselor and even if I did cut back on my caseload, it wouldn't help. I still wouldn't talk to her about what I see everyday. She wants me to be able to come home every night and tell her about my day and I just can't do it. I can't tell her about what we see and she doesn't understand why. I can't tell you how many fights we've had over that same stupid topic. It's hard enough seeing it all day at work, but coming home and relaying what I've seen to my family? I'd rather not.

"Besides all that, we've grown apart. We married young and grew up four kids and twenty years later. Things have changed. I'm not sure either one of us was really ready to get married when we did, but we didn't have much of a choice, with Maureen being on the way."

"Elliot, I know that you didn't marry Kathy just because she was pregnant. I know you better than that. You and I both know you would have married her either way," I said as I squeezed his hand reassuringly.

"You're right—I would have, but I think things would have been different. I'll never regret having any of my children, but I'll always wonder what it would have been like to be a newlywed couple without a pregnant belly between us. From the time I got out of the service, I've been working my ass off to make sure there's a roof over our heads and food on the table, but now it seems like it was all for nothing, Liv," he explained as he hung his head in defeat.

"Hey, it was not for nothing, El. Your kids know how much you love them and how hard you work to provide for them. Maybe you're not always home, but they know that your work not only puts food on the table, but makes the world a safer place. Every time I look at them, I can see it in their eyes. They are proud that you are their father."

"So proud they left with Kathy, Olivia?" he retorted.

"What choice did they have, Elliot? Stay at the house alone or go with their mother? There's not much of a choice there, Elliot, and you know that."

"I've never dreaded going home before, Liv. I hate that I don't even want to be in my own house. It's just too damn depressing to even be there. I can't even sleep when I'm there; too many 'what ifs' swimming around in my head."

"You know you can crash here whenever you want, partner. Hell, my couch has a permanent imprint of your ass you spend so much time on it. You're always welcome here, any time."

He smiled for the first time since we'd started this emotionally taxing conversation and I returned the gesture. "How 'bout you spend the night? Maybe you'll actually get some real sleep."

He nodded and said, "I'd like that a lot."

"Good. Let me get some stuff to fix up the couch for you then," I said. As I started to get up, he grabbed my wrist and pulled me back down onto the couch.

"I'm sorry, Liv. I should have told you, even though I wasn't ready. It's something you needed to know—especially in our line of work. I'm sorry you had to hear it from Scarry, you deserve better than that from me. And just so you know, you have every right to feel all of those emotions you did. It just makes you human."

I reached over and wrapped my arms around him. We stayed that way for a few moments, reveling in the sensation. "I'm sorry too, Elliot—for the separation, for my actions and for waiting this long to talk about it. I let my feelings get in the way of our relationship and I'm sorry. This can't work if we keep shutting each other out when the shit hits the fan. I need to know that you'll come to me when something important happens in your life—good, bad or ugly."

"I promise that I will come to you, even if it is a few days after the fact. I've managed to screw up one relationship in my life and I'll be damned if I do it to another. I just need you to make me the same promise."

"Yeah, partner, I promise." This is one of those promises that I'm certain both of us intend to keep.


	4. Four

She called me the other day and invited me to lunch. That woman has some set of balls on her, that's for sure. She ended the conversation that day with, "Don't tell Elliot." I'm not sure why it matters anyway; we haven't spent more than two hours together since we decided to separate six weeks ago, but I kept my mouth shut and met her at the diner down the street from the precinct.

She walked through the door and smiled at the waitress behind the counter, then looked around until she spotted me in the corner booth. I nodded slightly when she finally made eye contact.

I couldn't help but notice how much she'd changed since I last saw her. I'm pretty sure she's the only woman I know that has actually gotten more beautiful with age, and I hate her for it. Her hair had grown a bit, and it's a beautiful auburn shade. She changed her make-up and is wearing a touch of jewelry now. Even the soft lines around her eyes make her seem mature and learned instead of old and haggard.

She started speaking, and I was suddenly shaken from my thoughts. "Thanks for coming. I wasn't sure I'd be able to convince you to meet me."

"To be honest, I'm not sure why I accepted," I explained.

She opened her mouth to say something but was interrupted by a waitress wearing a nametag that read "Wendy".

"What I can get for you today, ladies? You want the usual, Detective?"

"That would be great."

"And for you?"

"Whatever she's having," I responded. I couldn't be bothered with the menu right now.

"Sure. Gimme fifteen minutes." With that, Wendy went off toward the kitchen.

"So, you were going to say something before we were interrupted..."

"Yeah, I wanted to talk to you about Elliot. And before you tell me it's none of my business, it is. He's my partner and I can't watch out for him when he refuses to watch out for himself."

"What are you talking about, Olivia?"

""He's detached and depressed, Kathy. He hasn't been himself for weeks now, and it's not getting better."

"There's nothing you can do about it. We've made our decision. He made his decision," I explained to her.

"I don't understand. What choice did he make?" She asked me. Is she kidding? Does she really not know?

"I gave him a choice—the job or his marriage. Obviously, you know which one he chose." I told her bitterly. Just saying it left a bad taste in my mouth.

"It wasn't a fair decision for him to have to make, Kath. He doesn't know how to be anything but a cop. It's part of who he is. You know that as well as I do."

I shook my head. God, they sounded like carbon copies of each other.

"What?" She asked.

"He said the exact same thing."

"It's true. He doesn't lie to anyone, especially you and the kids."

I hit a nerve. I guess what I've heard about is true: partners are like blood. Especially since she went to bat for him.

Wendy returned with our order: two Cobb salads and Diet Pepsis.

"Thank you," Olivia said. I smiled at the waitress for a moment, then turned my attention back to the woman in front of me.

"Why did you bring me here, Olivia? Just tell me what you really want to say."

She almost choked on the bite of salad she was chewing on.

"I'm worried about him, Kathy. And you should be too. I don't know what happened between the two of you, and I don't really care. What I do know is that I cannot watch my partner and best friend hurt and do nothing about it. And it's beyond me how the woman that he has loved for more than twenty years can sit here and tell me 'it's not her problem anymore'. If you don't love him anymore, fine. But don't let him go over the job he loves. And, for the love of God, work out a better arrangement with the kids. They are his life, and I think that I'm not far off when I say they need him almost as much as he needs them."

I sat there for a few moments and stared at my salad.

"You know, for a detective, you are pretty blind when it comes to certain things," I paused for a moment to finish conjuring up the courage I needed to tell her the rest. "Olivia, it's not that I don't love Elliot anymore. He's not in love with me."

"That's ridiculous! I've seen him these past few weeks. He's hurting like crazy because he loves you. He misses you being at home every night when he finally gets home waiting for him."

I let out a small laugh and shake my head at her. "You've got it all wrong; and right at the same time. You're right in that he misses someone being at home when he gets there, but he couldn't give a damn if it were me. He misses the kids more than he'll ever miss me, but when he chose the job over his marriage, he just cemented the theory I'd had before that night: he loves the job and with that job comes you. When I told him to choose, the first thing he said was, 'I can't do that to Olivia,' not 'I love my job too much'. It was you he thought of first. With him, it's always you."

I could tell that what I just told her was the last thing she'd ever thought she'd hear. I could see her eyes beginning to water at the thought of breaking up her partner's marriage and for some reason, I felt sorry for her. God help me, I should hate this woman and I took pity on her. Before I could get out my next thought, she started talking.

"Kathy, you have to believe me when I say that Elliot has been nothing but faithful to you; that we've been nothing but faithful to you. I know that we've never been the best of friends, but I need you to believe me when I say that I would never do something like that to you...or your kids. Never."

"Olivia, Elliot told me that there was nothing going on between you two, and I believe that he told me the truth. But you have to understand that what I just told you is quite possibly the most difficult thing I've ever had to say. You have no idea how hard it is to admit to someone else that your husband is in love with another woman and by God, I hope you never have to do it. The two of you are so blind, so fucking blind sometimes it make me sick.

"Don't you think I've noticed how he calls you at night just to make sure you're home alright? Or how he is always so proud to tell me when you made the collar or the connection that broke open the case? When the psycho was after you, do you know how many times I tried to convince him that you were a grown woman and could handle yourself and that he didn't need to baby-sit you? I've known for a long time that I'd lost him, but I wasn't ready to let him go. The time has come for both of us to move on, in whatever direction fate might take us. I'm ready for the change and he's been for a long time. It sucks that I had to be the one to take the plunge, but it had to be done. We can't hold to on the memories anymore. It's time for both of us to make new ones, with those we love now and will come to love."

When I finished talking, I couldn't hold back the tears anymore. I couldn't hold in the hurt that I felt sitting there across from the woman my husband loved. Just the fact that she invited me here today to talk about him confirms just how deep that love is. She put herself on the line for him in the every way she could, and I loved her and hated her for it.

I opened my purse and threw a few bills on the table. I couldn't be there anymore. I reached across the table and grabbed her hand tightly. I stared into her tear-filled eyes for a moment before telling her what I came here to say. "Promise me you'll love him as much he loves you; in whatever capacity he needs you. Take care of him for me, Olivia."

The tears started rolling down her cheeks despite her best efforts to hold them in. "I will, Kathy."

I released her hand and got up from my seat. Before I left the café, I glanced back at the table and saw that she was sitting with her head in her hands, crying. I smiled sadly at the woman I'd just given my husband to and walked out into the crisp New York air. We both needed a good cry after this conversation. Now was as good a time as any.


	5. Five

Alone Chapter 5

Kathy called me out of the blue last night, and that wasn't even the most bizarre part about it. What really threw me for a loop was that we actually had a civil conversation that ended with an increase in the amount of time I get to spend with my kids. When I hung up the phone, I wasn't even sure I knew the woman I'd just spent forty-five minutes talking to. I sat for a few moments, phone in hand, dumbfounded. The angry sound of the dial tone broke me out of my reverie. I hung up the phone and thought for a moment. What brought on this sudden change? How did she find out how miserable I've been without the kids? Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. I grabbed my keys and drove to the source that I wanted to both strangle and kiss at the same time.

I was at her apartment in under 20 minutes; no small feat when navigating through city traffic. I knocked on the door with three short raps. I heard footsteps coming closer and the locks being thrown. The door opened to reveal Olivia, wearing a tank top and snug drawstring pants.

"Elliot? What's going on? Don't tell me we've got another vic," she said.

I smiled and shook my head. "No, no. Nothing like that."

"Are you okay? Did something happen to one of the kids?"

"No, Liv. We're all fine. Can I come in?"

She looked at me quizzically, then pushed the door open and gestured for me to come inside. I closed the door and joined her on the couch.

"Tell me what's going on, El. You're sure everything is alright?"

"Yes and no." I love being cryptic with her. It annoys the shit out of her.

"Elliot..." she said in a warning tone.

"Tell me about your lunch date Tuesday."

"What? No. I had lunch with a friend. That's all you need to know," she replied defensively.

"Olivia. I know you had lunch with Kathy. The cat's out of the bag. What I want to know is why you thought you had the right to invite my ex-wife to lunch and discuss my behavior with my arrangements with my children!"'

"She told you! She promised me that she wouldn't tell you we met—" Before she could continue, I held up my hand to stop her.

"Kathy didn't tell me anything. I figured it out after she called tonight. You seem to be forgetting that I am a detective."

"Look, I didn't mean to upset you or overstep my bounds, but I couldn't sit back and watch you hurt anymore. If you weren't going to do anything about it, I sure as hell had to."

"Why not just talk to me? Why go behind my back to her?"

"Elliot, I've tried to talk to you! You shut me out and threw away the key. There was no getting through to you. I did what I had to do and I'm sorry if it upsets you, but I will not apologize for my actions. I learned a lot from talking to Kathy. She's a very wise woman; maybe you should listen to what she has to say some time. You just might learn something!" I had definitely struck a nerve. I grabbed her hands and held them in mine.

"Olivia, I'll admit that when I first figured it out, I was pissed, but on the way over, I cooled down a bit and realized that I should thank you instead of yelling at you. Obviously, my plan didn't work out so well."

"Wait. That was supposed be a 'thank you'? That's the shittiest thank you I've ever gotten!"

"Yeah, well, expressing gratitude has never been my strong suit," I lamely explained.

We sat for a few moments in a comfortable silence, her TV playing softly as background noise. She was the one to break the silence. "So, did anything good come out of her calling you tonight?"

"Actually, yeah. I can take the kids whenever I want, provided there's nothing going on, on her end. No more 'every other weekend and holiday' crap. She also agreed to take the house and I'm going to find a place closer to the 1-6." I told her.

A smile crept up on her face. "I'm happy for you, as long as these changes make you happy."

"Thanks for opening your mouth, Liv. At the rate I've been going, I would have been moping around for the next six months before I grew the balls to talk to her."

"I try," she said with a toothy grin. "But seriously, Elliot, I learned a lot from her the other day. She's a lot wiser than I think even she realizes. I only wish that what I learned was found out under different circumstances."

I nodded. Although I was curious about their conversation, I knew it was not my place to ask. She'd already told me more about it than she wanted to and for that, I was sincerely grateful. I came to the realization that I had come over, unannounced, like I owned the place and felt like a giant heel. What if she'd had company? Did she have other plans I was putting on hold?

"Sorry for just barging in on you like this. I'll let you get back to whatever you were doing."

"Don't worry about it. You know my door is always open. You have any plans for tonight, Stabler?" Olivia asked.

"Yeah; hot date with my TV and whatever's edible in the fridge," I explained.

"You want to stay then? I was gonna order pizza and watch a movie. Are you man enough to endure a 'chick flick'?"

"For some pepperoni pizza and a Miller, I'm man enough for anything, babe."

"Good. And since you're flexing your 'manly' muscles, you're buying."

"Typical woman," I muttered under my breath. I knew she couldn't hear me; she'd already gone to place our order. She returned to the couch five minutes later, DVD in hand.

"Food in thirty minutes. I was thinking I'd subject you to _Mona Lisa Smile_ and eliminate the tear-jerker angle." She told me with a smile.

"Thanks for your consideration...I think."

Two and a half hours later, pizza eaten and beer drunk, the movie ended. "Olivia Benson, you are a cruel, cruel woman. You know that?"

"Yeah, and that's just one of the things that you find so endearing about me. Besides, I thought you said you were man enough for a chick flick, partner."

"Well, if I'd have known it was that bad, I would have let you question my manliness. At any rate, I should get going. We have to work tomorrow." With that, I reluctantly stood up and readied myself to leave.

"Thanks for hanging out with me, partner. It was fun. Maybe next time, I'll even let you pick the movie," she said as she walked me to the door. I'm not sure why, but I reached over and pulled her into a tight hug. We stayed that way for a few moments, then slowly broke apart. She caught my bicep with her right hand and put her left behind my head. She gently pulled my ear to her mouth and whispered, "I know your curiosity is killing you. Before she left, she made me promise to take care of you, and I accepted. Know that is one promise that I'll never break."

She kissed me on the cheek, then showed me out, locking the door quietly behind me. I stood in her doorway for a minute; completely dumbfounded, just as I'd been after getting off the phone with Kathy. If there was ever any question in my mind before, it was crystal clear now: the two women in my life are extraordinary in their own unique ways and taking either of them for granted is simply not an option.


End file.
